When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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