I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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