That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
