does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
