do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
