i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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