dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize