I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
