I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize