I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
