Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
