I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
