there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
