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I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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