I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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