i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
