Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize