Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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