You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
