I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
