Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
