saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
