Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
