I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
