this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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