I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
high people should be assigned attendants
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
