I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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