I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
