I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
