This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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