I am midnight drunk by noon
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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