I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
