I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
