I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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