Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
