My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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