Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
