I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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