you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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