You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
