hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
