I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
