I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
