apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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