he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
