My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
