just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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