are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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