the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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