I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
