Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
