We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
