All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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