Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
