And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I AM VODKA MAN
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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