Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
