my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
