so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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