I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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