someone threw a dead crab at me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it's like iHOP with fire
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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