All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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